🌸 To Be Kind Without Expecting Anything in Return Is Rare. Be Rare.

On Kindness

Jan 07, 2024

👋 Hi, I’m Irene!

Every Sunday at 9 AM EST, you'll get one anecdote, lesson, or tip I've learned on how to be a better & happier person - to help you in becoming better and happier, too.

Read Time: 6.10 minutes

Hi everyone, welcome back to The Happiness Diary!

I hope you’ve been having a great new year so far.

At the end of December, I took a two-week break from my Substack newsletter, The Happiness Diary. (I got the inspiration from Bill Gates—he popularized ‘Think Week’.)

Why?

Three reasons.

The first was to study, read, and think deeply about my writing direction—to gain clarity on my niche, target audience, the problem I solve, and my service.

The second was to avoid burnout.

And the third was to enjoy the holidays with my partner.

The result of taking those two weeks off?

I wrote, built, and launched a 5-Day Educational Email Course about email growth.
I figured out the one specific problem I’m solving for one specific person with one specific service.
I started Letterly—a newsletter on ConvertKit about how I’m growing my newsletters. (If you’re subscribed to this newsletter, you’ll automatically be subscribed to Letterly. Feel free to unsubscribe if you’re not interested in how I’m growing my newsletters!)

And I’m picking up where I left off with The Happiness Diary. But I’m making slight changes to the format. Starting today:

Every Sunday at 9 AM EST, you’ll get:

A quick introduction of what I’ve been up to
1 anecdote, lesson, or tip I’ve learned on how to be a better & happier person
The 3 best resources I found that week on becoming a better & happier person

I feel refreshed and super excited to tackle 2024 and make it the best year possible. I hope you are, too!!!

Now, let’s dive into today’s edition.

On Kindness

I'm not kind.

Here's how I realized this about myself and how I'd like to change.

People often don't help someone for the sake of helping someone.

Instead, we help others because we feel we have to, rather than out of kindness. It's people-pleasing – wanting the appearance and reputation of being a nice and good person.

Here's an example: I have an older cousin. His dad passed away two years ago, his mom doesn't acknowledge his existence, he doesn't have a job or money, and he's addicted to drugs.

When I first met him, I tried as much as possible to help him. I made him coffee every morning, offered him my groceries, and asked my parents to buy him food whenever we ordered takeout. It was the right thing to do, right?

But here's what happened over time: He started to ask me for money, stopped looking for a job, and I felt he started to take our kindness for granted, ultimately killing his desire to change and get better.

After a while, I started to resent him. I stopped wanting to help him and told my parents to stop too. But then, I'd feel ashamed and guilty whenever he saw us eating takeout without him.

So, here's what I learned about myself: The human side of me didn't want to help him; I did it to maintain my reputation as a good person.

Why do I think this? Because if I genuinely wanted to help him, I wouldn't have started to feel resentful or complained about it afterward. In the end, who's the real awful person here? Me.

I also learned that a Higher Self exists in all of us, and the reason I felt ashamed and guilty whenever I didn't help him was because of the innate kindness belonging to our Highest Selves.

So what I've decided to do is honor that inner voice within me. What does this look like? Even if my cousin doesn't change his ways, I will continue to be kind and give without expecting anything in return. Because that's what genuine kindness is, isn't it?

Of course, this doesn't mean encouraging his poor habits like giving him money for cigarettes or alcohol. It's more about providing water, food, and shelter for him and, most importantly, giving him love and guiding him toward a better life.

The bottom line is, if you're going to do something kind, do it, but don't complain about it afterward. If you complain, then it's people-pleasing, not kindness.

"Too many people are fake kind. They do something with the expectation of a counter-something." - Gary Vee

If you're nice to someone with the expectation that they owe you, then that's not genuine kindness; that's manipulation.

I have an aunt who likes helping people; she's generous. She often lends her relatives money, buys us gifts, and treats us to meals.

But here's the thing: She acts as if we need to attend to her every whim. When she asks us to do something, like feed her granddaughter, buy water, or tend to the garden, we do it, no questions asked.

She also seeks recognition for her acts by openly talking about how much she helps people in front of everybody.

In this case, is it genuine kindness, or is it manipulation because she expects us to do whatever she asks of us?

Similarly, sometimes I'm nice to others with the expectation that they need to be nice to me, and if they're unkind in return, I feel offended. That's not kindness.

In the end, true kindness is giving without expecting anything in return or using it as a bargaining tool.

My dad often tells me not to be too kind.

Why?

Because people will get used to your kindness and start to take advantage of you.

That sort of happened with my cousin, right? I believed he started to take advantage of my kindness - the coffee, the food, the money - and that he started to rely on me instead of working hard to take care of himself.

But here's what I realized: You can't take advantage of kindness because if you choose to be kind, there's no taking advantage of that. You chose to be kind. So don't be afraid to be kind.

Perform one act of kindness every day.

Genuine kindness is rare.

More often than not, people are kind with an ulterior motive, whether it's to boost their image, out of pity, or because they want to please others.

On the reverse, some are afraid to be kind in fear they get taken advantage of. So I challenge you. I encourage you to do at least one act of kindness every day, whether that's holding the door open for the person behind you, smiling at a random stranger on the street, or complimenting a colleague when everyone else is gossiping about them.

You don't need to tell anyone about what you did either. You don't need to seek recognition for your acts. Do them simply because you want to be kind and compassionate when the world seems to have grown selfish.

I want to leave you with one final thought: Imagine if everyone helped others because they felt it deeply within their souls, guided by the knowledge that it's the right thing to do.

Would the world not become a better place?

What I’m Learning

Positive Affirmations to Change Your Life 🦋✨ 33 Powerful Daily Affirmations—I love listening to this video in the mornings. Aileen has a gentle, soothing voice, and by the end of the video, I always feel more calm, joyful, and peaceful.
How To Build A Stronger Relationship During Difficult Times—On Purpose is one of my favourite podcasts of all time. Jay is the one who 'encouraged' me to start my self-love, self-awareness, and spiritual journey in 2020. This was a great episode with his wife, Radhi. I felt inspired by their relationship.
How To Actually Be Happier In 2024 (According to the Stoics)—I'm a huge fan of Ryan Holiday and his books. Whenever I'm going through a difficult period in my life, I go back and re-read "The Daily Stoic" and "The Obstacle is the Way." This video was a great recap of timeless Stoic principles.

Before You Go

I hope you enjoyed reading today’s newsletter.

If you have a minute, I’d love for you to respond to this email to let me know:

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It helps me understand what you’re interested in learning more about so I can write content that’s helpful and relevant for you!

Thank you so much for that!

I’ll see you next Sunday,

Irene

P.S. Whenever you’re ready, there are 3 ways I can help you:

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