🌸 7 (Friendly) Reminders Asian Immigrant Children Need to Read at Least Once in Their Lifetime to Appreciate, Nurture, and Strengthen Their Relationship With Their Parents

“You probably never thought about this, but around 90% of the time that you will have spent with your parents was done from ages of 0 to 18.” — Donn Felker

👋 Hi, I’m Irene!

Every Sunday at 9 AM EST, you'll get one anecdote, lesson, or tip I've learned on how to be a better & happier person - to help you in becoming better and happier, too.

Read Time: 9.21 minutes

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Hi everyone! Welcome back to another edition of The Happiness Diary! 

How was your week?! As always, feel free to respond and let me know how you’ve been doing.

Now, without further ado, let’s dive into today’s edition!

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On Parents

“You probably never thought about this, but around 90% of the time that you will have spent with your parents was done from ages of 0 to 18.” — Donn Felker

I turn 30 this year. 

From 18 to 27, I saw my parents once every year. Then, I moved in with them from 27 to 29 to be closer to them. 

I should’ve cherished those two years together more. Because three months ago, I moved away again. 

It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. 

Days leading up to my departure, I realized I wouldn’t be able to go to the night markets with my parents every Saturday anymore. I wouldn’t be able to help them at their restaurant in the afternoons anymore. And I wouldn’t be able to hug, joke, and laugh with them every day anymore. 

These realizations hit me like a ton of bricks. 

What *really* broke my heart though? 

Seeing my mom cry days leading up to my flight, on the day I left, and when she told me it’ll be harder for us to see each other from now on. 

Since that day, I’ve vowed to keep these 7 reminders at the front of my mind to appreciate, nurture, and strengthen my relationship with my parents. 

Your mom wants to feel beautiful, too. 

“Do you have to look and dress so shabby? My older sister said this to me,” whispered my mom. 

I looked at her. 

We had just got back after work—She and my dad worked from 4 AM to 2 PM at their restaurant while I went to help out around 11 AM to help them close up. 

She looked exhausted and on the brink of tears. 

My aunt said that to my mom as we walked through our living room when we got home. 

What’s worse? 

She said that in front of everyone—all our relatives were sitting there to celebrate my cousin’s wedding that night. 

Hearing that angered me—I felt angry at my aunt. And it broke my heart for my mom. 

At that moment, I realized three things. 

One, my mom is insecure about her looks. She feels insecure about her weight because women in Taiwan prefer to be thin. She feels insecure about her freckles because women in Taiwan want to have blemish-free, pale skin. She feels insecure about her age because people joke she’s the oldest out of three sisters even though she’s the youngest. 

Two, I realized why she’s insecure. Because of my relatives, how unabashed (and skilled) they are at pointing out other people’s ‘flaws in their eyes’ in front of everyone. Because of the toxic culture in Taiwan, with its unrealistic beauty standards. 

And three, my mom wants to feel beautiful, too. I realized that regardless of age, people want to feel beautiful. Feel good. Feel appreciated. And yes, this applies to men, too. 

So, the reminder for you and me: Tell your mom she’s beautiful more often. Give her more compliments. Give her opportunities to dress up. And invest in self-care products for her. 

This is their first time living, too.

I expected my parents to have all the answers when I was younger. 

I expected them to be right and do the right thing, always. 

And I expected them to be the perfect role models. 

But as I got older, I started to notice their flaws. Their mistakes. Their unhealthy behaviours, communication, and mindsets. 

And I started to feel a smidge of resentment towards them because I felt they were responsible for my childhood wounds like fear of abandonment due to their parenting. 

But recently, I realized (as I’ve been dealing with challenges in my own life) that they’re just like me. 

What do I mean by this? 

I mean, they’re human. This is their first time living on Earth. They also have their problems, traumas, insecurities, and own healing to do. They’re also learning and unlearning behaviours and mindsets that don’t serve them. 

But most importantly, I realized they raised me the best they could based on their knowledge and experiences. 

And in the end, it’s up to me to take personal accountability for my life by healing my wounds and traumas and working on myself. 

Because I’m an adult. 

So, the reminder for you and me: Give your parents some grace. Recognize they make mistakes. They don’t have all the answers. And they’re doing their best, just like you. 

They’re getting older.

I felt shocked every time I saw my parents when I was 18 to 27. 

Why? 

Because of how much they aged since the last time I saw them—I only saw them once a year during that period. 

It’s a striking difference compared to my memory of them in my childhood. 

And recently, I realized it’s so easy to get caught up in our day-to-day lives that we don’t grasp how much time is passing by every day. 

And with each passing year, you’re getting older. And so are your parents. 

So, the reminder for you and me: Make sure your parents are taking care of their health. 

I feel a ton of elderly Taiwanese people, especially in the rural Southern areas of Taiwan, aren’t educated about how to take care of their health. 

Simply because they don’t have the luxury of thinking about that—They’re so used to being in survival mode that they would rather work than rest even when they’re sick or have a broken arm. 

So, remind your parents the most important thing they can do for you is to take care of themselves. 

Call and see them more.

I saw this graph a few years ago. 

It’s about how much time you’ll have left with your parents and siblings after a certain age. 

It was shocking and depressing to see. 

But it served its purpose—It reminded me to spend as much time as I could with my parents and brother. 

This is why my biggest goal is to be location-independent and financially free—So I have the freedom to go see my parents and brother whenever and however long I want. 

Because I saw (firsthand) how heartbreaking it was for my parents to not be around family after they moved to Canada. I saw how my dad regretted not spending more time with my grandpa when he was alive. And I saw how heartbroken my mom was when she couldn’t attend my grandpa and uncle’s funeral because of COVID-19 flight restrictions. 

Witnessing these events made me realize I don’t ever want to be in any of these positions—if I can help it. 

So, the reminder for you and me: Spend time with your parents and siblings as much as you can. Call them more often—ideally, every day. Cherish those moments. 

They sacrificed everything to give you a new life.

The type of person my mom is: She’s unwilling to spend 2000 HUF to buy herself a drink from Starbucks because it’s ‘too expensive’ BUT she’s willing to buy that and more for me whenever I ask. 

The type of person my dad is: He’ll go buy me a humidifier simply because I said the air was too dry even after working 11 hours at the restaurant. 

My parents worked their butts off to provide for me and my brother, to give us a chance at a better life. 

They immigrated to Canada in their mid-to-late 20s. My dad never graduated from high school. They didn’t know any English. They had no money (They had to borrow from my grandpa.) And they had two young kids, ages 3 and 4. 

But somehow, they managed to open a flower shop at a farmer’s market. Then, they opened four stores selling sunglasses and hats. Then, they opened a restaurant. They worked from 8 AM to 10-11 PM Monday to Saturday. 

My brother and I both know our lives would be drastically different had we grown up in Taiwan. 

So, the reminder for you and me: Give back to your parents. 

First, hear me out. I’m not saying ‘give back’ out of a sense of duty or obligation. 

I’m saying, ‘give back’ because you want to. Out of love. Out of recognition and appreciation for all they did for you. Out of the desire to give them the same (and more) for what they’ve given you. 

Because you are where you are because of the sacrifices they’ve made for you—That’s the truth. 

They’re scared you won’t take care of them.

Warning: This might be a sensitive topic. 

In Western culture, it’s common for kids to ‘send’ their parents to senior homes. 

This is defo not the case in East Asian culture, at least in Taiwan. 

In most cases, families always live together. 

For example, in my own family in Taiwan, my grandparents, two uncles, and their two families all lived together at one point. 

Why? 

My mom told me it’s because one, it’s easier to take care of everyone this way—One big family, everyone helping each other out whenever they can. And two, everyone saves money. 

I think with most East Asian immigrant families (at least, in my experience), parents have a deep fear their children have adopted the Western mentality of not ‘physically’ caring for them in old age—They’re afraid they’ll be sent to a senior home. They’re afraid you won’t provide or take care of them. 

Now, I’ve heard a lot of opinions about this, so I don’t want to ‘get into it’. I don’t believe there’s a right or wrong answer. 

Just act on the one that feels right to you. 

For me, I’m working towards having my parents live with me so I can take care of them. 

So, the reminder for you and me: Take care of your parents, in whatever way that feels right to you.

Argue with them less. 

Growing up, I never *really* saw eye-to-eye with my mom. 

I argued with her—an unhealthy amount—when I first moved back in with them when I was 27. 

We argued about me getting my own apartment. We argued about me going out late at night. And we argued about me not wanting to participate in some Taiwanese traditions. 

Now that we don’t live with each other anymore, I learned two things. 

One, it’s easy to get angry at your parents. Why? 

Because they love you unconditionally. No matter what you say or do, you know they’re always going to love you so it’s easy to take them for granted and treat them like poop in the heat of the moment. 

Two, one of the toughest challenges in life is learning how to navigate relationships. Why? 

Because everyone has different opinions, thoughts, and expectations. This is especially true when you’re an immigrant because your parents grew up in one culture, and you grew up in another culture. 

Meaning, you’re bound to have clashing points of view. 

So, the reminder for you and me: Practice more patience. More compassion. More respect. And more understanding when you talk to your parents so you can learn to communicate and see each other’s POVs. 

And also argue less about things that don’t—really—matter. 

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All in all, appreciate and spend more time with your parents.

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How I’m Building My Happiness Muscles

• Episode #392: Stop REACTING! How To Respond With Grace & Class Every Time with Heather!—This was an amazing podcast episode! The key takeaway I learned was that it doesn’t matter who you are, what situation you’re in, or how old you are— We’re all going to be confronted with situations where we might not like how the other side is handling things. Heather’s advice is to NOT react. Give yourself time to cool off. Then, respond with all the grace and class within you.

• Episode #393: LEAVE The Past, EMBRACE The Present, & FORECAST The Future With Heather!—This year (like Heather) I’m challenging myself NOT to hold space for people, situations, and things that no longer serve me. To close the door on the past. So that I can OPEN the door to the present. To the future opportunities. To the incredible things that can show up. And I am SO encouraging you to do the same for an incredible year in 2024.

• A Court of Thorns and Roses Series—A huge part of living a happier life is doing the things you love! This week, I’ve spent a ton of time (maybe too much) reading this series! If you’re into fantasy and romance, then this series is for you!

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Before You Go

I hope you enjoyed reading today’s newsletter. 

If you have a minute, I’d love for you to respond to this email to let me know:

• Your biggest takeaway

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It helps me understand what you’re interested in learning more about so I can write content that’s helpful and relevant for you! 

Thank you so much for that! 

I’ll see you next Sunday,

Irene